My Most Profound Ayahuasca Experience To Date: How my body became an Instrument of Consciousness, a vessel in which an Intelligence far greater than me manifested through my body.
In case you’re not familiar with this plant medicine, (called that because, a) it’s from a plant, and, b) it’s a medicine, as in, it heals the mind, body, and soul – appropriately named I hear you say), it is an indigenous medicine containing DMT, (dimethyltryptamine), a powerful psychedelic that is also naturally secreted in the body in the pineal gland and lungs. I explain more about it in this post.
A heads up: Describing to someone who hasn’t drank ayahuasca what an ayahuasca experience is like, is akin to attempting to describe to someone what a pineapple tastes like. Good luck with that. The same goes for deep meditation, pineal gland activation, Kundalini experience / Awakening or holotropic breathwork – or any kind of expanded consciousness practice.
If you’d like to learn more about Ayahuasca, Check out The Reality Of Truth documentary, or DMT The Spirit Molecule, Vine of The Soul, or Graham Hancock’s banned TED Talk “The War On Consciousness.” Like all medicine, it comes with risks and it’s not for everyone. I’ve sat many ayahuasca ceremonies since 2016. It is a powerful. Imperial College in London is carrying out the largest body of research on this subject in the UK, and John Hopkins is doing the same in the US. Michael Pollan’s How To Change your Mind on Netflix is another great one, as is his book, with the same name. I attended his book launch in London a few years ago.
Ceremony Setting
The ceremony began in a way I was not used to. I am used to an official opening with introductions, a welcoming by the Shaman / Guide and who they are, an introduction to the medicine, its origins, the Medicine tribes, smudging (clearing of energy), intention setting, etc. I am used to a larger setting of around 20 people, except for one experience in 2017 when we were 3. This time, we were 4 plus our Shaman. I was the last to arrive, and we were sat around a fire (also unusual for me). We sat around the fire as the Shaman was preparing, playing medicine music, each sitting in silence and in meditation.
Our trained Shaman’s name was, (and still is), Aguila (meaning Eagle), and from Argentina. He walked around the fire and served each of us Rapé (pronounced hapé), a Sacred Tobacco (often with alkaline ashes from other plants), that is carefully blown into your nose via a pipe (or you can self-administer). It is grounding, sharpens the mind, and among other benefits opens up the 3rd eye / pineal gland. It did that alright. It blew my head off – in a good way! I’m not new to this medicine – have experienced it a number of times since 2015. The first time I did this was at Burning Man in the Temple with a close friend who gave me a full introduction to it. It was a truly unpleasant, yet beautiful experience at the same time. I was crying, blowing my nose, coughing… not something you want to do on your first date. Amongst the unpleasantness, it brought a profound clarity to my mind.
Back to this ceremony. After the initial unpleasant reaction to the Rapé, I sat in meditation opposite the fire waiting for some kind of ceremonial opening by our Shaman. Before long, the Shaman walked around the fire and served us all ayahuasca. No intro. I was in my head thinking “this is weird.” I was hesitating and didn’t feel safe. I kept on reminding myself that I had chosen to trust my good friend who invited me, and had asked a lot of questions about this Shaman and her experiences with him and with other ceremonies. Her name is Anne. She was sat up, calm, unphased. I chose to trust.
When I was served the first drink, the shaman sat with me without saying anything. Something else I’m not used to. I chose to set the intention myself and bless the huge shot glass of ayahuasca in front of me. I drank it with faith, trust and asked Mother Aya to show me what I needed to be shown. Once we had all been served the medicine, the Shaman was playing a variety of Native American medicine songs, and interchanging with playing an instrument.
I was not feeling the medicine 2 drinks in. It’s not unusual for me not to feel any medicine until the second drink. Cutting a long story short, I asked for a 3rd drink, and soon enough, I was feeling the medicine, and the visuals began as I sat with my eyes closed.
The Journey Begins
Having sat a number of ceremonies since 2016, I was familiar with what happens with my body during ayahuasca and also psilocybin. I lay back as my body began twitching and I acknowledged with my knowing smile and nod (to myself) what was about to start. I lay back as the medicine would allow my body to become a vessel, an instrument of consciousness, for an intelligence to take over my body (that I could stop at any time). It’s such a beautiful feeling as I surrender to the Medicine. My breathing changes, sometimes I have shallow breaths, other times deep breaths, sometimes rhythmic to the music. My legs shake as trauma is released from my muscle fascia and psoas muscles. My whole body convulses as the energy is dispersed and released from what feels like every cell in my body. My head is thrown from side to side, like an unusual chiropractor adjustment. I feel the energy move around my spine as if Spirit is healing every part of it that needs attention. It feels like a psychic surgery. (I use that term as I’ve experienced that before with a Shaman who came into the journey with me during a Psilocybin journey in 2018.)
I’m seeing faces and demons, who for some reason always usher me towards them with their index finger. When I first saw this, I didn’t like it, but the more I sat at ayahuasca, I began to understand to not be afraid, as they often show us our shadow, or the parts of our lives we don’t often want to look at. So we can process them, and release the energy that is associated with the memory / shadow side of us. This is often accompanied with purging. I’m also seeing the sacred geometry in my visions. It’s such a beautiful experience. It is representative of the make-up and fabric of our universe. It’s a comprehension of life and the universe that is out of this world extraordinary and indescribable.
So at this point, I’m feeling the medicine. It’s moving around my body, and feeling wonderful – but I’m not quite at the level I want to be at. It was as if my body was processing the DMT really fast. I wondered if it was because I had taken too much activated charcoal earlier in the day. (Back in my head.). Around the time of 2-3 drinks being served I was aware of the Shaman doing peculiar things in the sand. Judgemental Neil was back. “what is he doing? This guy has taken too much medicine.” He lay flat face down in the sand, and came to all fours, carving out figures of 8 and infinity shapes in the sand, and burrowing holes with his hands and speaking loudly in Spanish as he was doing it. I became mesmerized. Out of my head, and into the present moment. I was transfixed as to what he was doing. I saw him embody the energy of The Shaman, and I let my guard down and trusted him. Although I couldn’t understand the Spanish, I was able to pick up the vibration of what he was saying, and felt safe.
I felt at this point that the medicine was wearing off. I wanted more. I asked him at the next available opportunity. He looked at me in the eye, paused, and went “no.” It’s better if you wait. I chose to trust, and sat back and enjoyed the journey. After some time, out of nowhere, he went “Neil, would you like more medicine?” He was lying on his back in the sand to my right. I sat up, really feeling the medicine. My vision is blurred (something I’m used to, not fearful of it, colours bright, enhanced, sounds of Nature beautifully accentuated.) I didn’t say yes immediately. I looked to my right, Anne had said yes to more. I thought, I’ll wait. And then he came to me with another glass. I paused. In broken English he was asking if I wanted more. I said “I’m not sure.” He said something to the effect of “It’s up to you, take it or don’t take it, it’s fine.” I said, “I guess if my body doesn’t want it, my body will bring it up.” Out of nowhere, (it seemed), I heard Anne shout “yes!” – confirmation from Infinite Intelligence (channeled through Anne) to have more.
I replied, “OK, I’ll have it please.” I blessed it, thanked it, knocked it back so not to leave the thick earthy sediment in the bottom. I gave him the glass back, said “gracias.” And said to myself “Ok, Neil, buckle up. We’re going for a ride.”
The Journey Truly Begins
I lay back and within 15 minutes or so, the strength of the medicine is multiplied. The visions are clear. My body is fully activated. Every party of me is being moved by the medicine, or rather, by an Intelligence, facilitated by the Medicine. I’m thrown around like a ragdoll, releasing energy from every limb and cell in my body once again. Pausing in different poses as my body is breathed and I breathe into each of the poses. It feels like yoga. My breathing becomes loud. I am aware others are most likely aware of my experience. I choose to ignore the inner critique.
At one point, my body is picked up and thrown onto the ground next to my mattress on all fours. (When I say this, I mean my body is no longer only mine, I’m no longer only Neil. And it feels incredible. I could stop this if I wanted to, but I don’t want to.) It’s the most familiar, unfamiliar feeling. My body is put into a very unattractive position with my backside high in the air like a child pose in yoga, only a steep diagonal line from my backside high in the air (facing Anne) down to my head, with my hands in the ground. My body is pumped, and convulsed, as this energy is moving out of my body into the ground. The ground is absorbing whatever energy is moving through my body. My hands merge with the sand and the ground. I become it. The Earth and I are one, like there is no separation. I dry purge whilst Spirit is holding me and pumping the energy out of my body and into the ground. The visuals are there, the dark images, the traumas, the memories flash before my eyes. At this point I’m making a lot of noise, I check in with myself, and am so immersed in the experience I don’t care. I just want everything out of my body that does not serve me. And I feel that happening. I keep on taking swigs of water to see if I could bring any liquid up, but all my body would do is dry-purge (loudly) – it is unusual.
After this intense episode of energy release / trauma release / purging, I am put back onto the mattress laying my back. It is as if Spirit is saying “take a break”. But not for long… with some gentle breathing and gazing up at the stars, which again, I merge with, I am then put back onto the ground on all fours. This time, just in front of the fire and nearer to our Shaman. At this stage I am immersed so deeply into the experience and in a place of complete surrender. I become like a majestic animal moving around on all fours. And then, without me knowing what is going on, I begin to carve figures of 8 and infinity symbols in the ground.
At one point my right hand begins to burrow a hole in the ground and I watch as hand spins faster than I’ve ever seen it move. I am astonished. My hand is digging a hole with the palm. I watch in delight as I’m thinking to myself, “This is nuts, what is going on….” It feels as if I am doing what the Shaman was doing just a few hours earlier. The next day I reflected with him and said that it felt like he had predetermined what was about to happen later. He gave me a knowing nod, as if to say, “yup, that’s exactly what was happening.” Although… I don’t think he knew at the time, what was to take place.
The music is absolutely beautiful. A mixture between recorded medicine music and the Shaman playing various Native instruments and the guitar. I am stood up (by the medicine / Spirit), my body is moved over to the left-hand side out of the way of people, where I dance like I had never danced before. It is an ecstatic-type dance with the music and energy moving through my limbs, my arms in the air, doing movements I could likely never repeat. It feels almost like ballet. My hands and arms are often shaking rhythmically. It’s hard to describe. I am moved, guided, dancing from side to side, witnessing how my feet are moving on the ground in rhythmic perfection. Every now and again I step on something sharp (I am barefoot), and return to my mattress to remove it. Even that feels good. And then I’m back on my feet dancing in the most extraordinary way. It feels like I am embodying the energy of a Shaman. I am told the following day it was beautiful to witness.
I am soon brought back to the fire, on all fours again, carving out more shapes and infinity symbols. The Shaman is playing the Icaros. As I lay stretching out my whole body close to the ground, my left hand moves over to the left, grabs a branch of leaves growing from the ground, wrenches them out, and my left hand begins to play them like an instrument I just created. I am playing in rhythm with the Shaman playing the Icaros. I find myself hitting the ground with them to make more noise, in a rhythm I could probably not re-enact now. All of a sudden I am sat up and I look to my right. There is an upside-down circular straw lid that previously had blankets in it. I decide to pick it up with my right hand, flip it over across the front of my body, and rest it against my left knee which is now bent and upright at this stage. I have never done this. I pick up the branch of leaves with my right hand and begin to play them against my newly created Shamanic drum. I am now part of the band, with the Shaman. He is observing me much of the time, acknowledging what is happening. I realise he is essentially playing me. Or at least, playing with me. I am playing the rim of the drum, then the main inner section, beating it and making other sounds with the bunch of leaves in my right hand. I thought flashes through my mind that friends have told me that they have learned to play instruments on Medicine. It feels extraordinary to be playing like this – I am in sync with the music, and my body is being used as an instrument. A musical instrument – and an instrument of consciousness.
Back to my mattress, I am lying face up gazing up at the stars again in bewilderment as to what is happening. I feels as if I am one with the universe. In symphony with the universe. I feel connected to this supreme Intelligence. I feel that I am embodying the energy of a Shaman. I ask myself in a jovial way, “Is this some kind of initiation?” After another dance, I find myself opposite the Shaman the other side of the fire and I pause, look at him straight in the eye, with an expression of appreciation. He smiles at me, and says something I wish I could remember/understand. I say, “Gracias. Muchas gracias.” My hands are in thankful prayer posture towards him. He does the same to me. I do the same to Anne to my right (to thank her for inviting me, in what was a very serendipitous way), who is sat upright, eyes closed, and in her power.
I can’t quite remember the order of events as this is happening for hours, but at some stage, I remember lying on my front on the ground and pull a weird, awkward (yet familiar) yoga pose, being breathed to accentuate the stretch. My eyes open wide and I am shown Anne. She looks Divine. It is as if Spirit is saying, “Look, this is The Divine Feminine”.
Reflections
The next day we debriefed on this and we both shared similar experiences and perspectives. I told her that I was witnessing her as the Divine Feminine and told me that that’s how she felt. We had this energy exchange between us where she was remaining strong as I was going to “work” slaying demons and dragons! Or at least… clearing energy for myself, and also, for the collective. She had witnessed energy shifts and what can be described as an entity of darkness dissolving as I wrestled with it and released it into the ground – with her support. She told me she was witnessing what was happening and all she could do was stand (sit) in her power. It was very cool. The next day she told me it was clear that I was releasing trauma and energy for the collective, far beyond just my “stuff.” I have experienced this before with ayahuasca, and also DMT 5MEO.
The Jaguar
The following day, the other guy in the ceremony (we were two guys, two women plus Shaman Aguila), asked me, “Were you aware of the energy of the Jaguar?” I paused and went, “That feels familiar.” He said, “You became it.” And I remembered immediately that I had been on all fours at one point, and I did this acrobatic flip that I swear there is no way I could pull off now, as Neil. It was almost like a break dance move at the time, but maybe I was embodying the energy of the jaguar at that time. Who knows. I’ve never seen a jaguar breakdance; I’m just trying to figure out what on earth that was!
A Profound Love for My Mother & Christ Consciousness
These kinds of antics continued for many hours, with music, playing make-shift drums, dancing and the most incredible feeling of embodying an intelligence far greater than me. At one point (many “at one points”), I felt this huge amount of love for my mother. We’ve had our challenges over the last three years. I’ll spare you the details. All you need to know is that I connected with a love so profound, and decided that that’s where I need to meet my mother. With unconditional love. Being back in the 3D world and integrating this is I’ll be honest, is another matter. I’m doing my best. The last thing I experienced I do feel uncomfortable saying but I’m going to. Why not. I felt the presence of Jesus. It was uncanny and profound. I then realised it was Christ Consciousness. The vibration of Christ Consciousness more specifically. I felt that at that moment, whilst I was in my heart, and connecting with Love, that I was surrounded by, and connected with, Christ Consciousness. It felt like my reward for going into battle, into the trenches, and doing “the work.”
I danced until the medicine wore off often looking up at the stars, and playing music with the Shaman (the others had fallen asleep by this point – I was 3.5 drinks in and still going strong). Eventually, I lay down on the mattress under the covers on my back with my hands on my heart. I felt so grateful for all I had experienced this evening. I had a newfound respect for trained shamans. I have always felt a strong connection with Native American Medicine people. I was told by a Shaman in London in 2017 (no plant medicine this time) that my Spirit Guide is a Native American Medicine Man. I am therefore not surprised to experience this, and what might be currently emerging within me. I don’t know what’s next, but I’m excited. I cannot wait for what is next.
Having said that, I can now give you a glimpse as to what is next. The following weekend: A psilocybin journey with my girlfriend in a carefully designed setting in our home. Let’s just say: the energy of the Native American Medicine Man came through me whilst I was doing energy work on her. I have never done before, what I did with her (no, not in that way), an energy healing involving movements, actions, noises, and energy extractions, that I had never before performed on anyone. It was the most familiar, unfamiliar feeling. To be continued.
The video below is me sharing this experience after breathwork the Monday after this took place. Anne kindly joined me. Our Shaman was off camera behind my laptop. A few of my “breathing brothers” stuck around after breathwork to hear about it. Most of them have sat an ayahuasca ceremony.
If you’d like to read about an experience I had in 2019, I invite you to go here: https://vitalitysecret.com/my-profound-ayahuasca-experience/. I also wrote about this medicine in the quantum section of The Vitality Code, published August 2023.